Dave walks over to the only window in the room, blindly stumbling through some cobwebs and draws a curtain. Storms of dust float through the beams of light.
Hey, look! My old digital typewriter. I remember this thing. Oh, the stories we would tell.
A tear tumbles down his cheek
Absentminded key pressing turns to typing. Clicking fills up the empty space of the room. A nearby chair is pulled free from its spider web bonds. A newly homeless spider shakes his fist menacingly.
Ok, that’s enough of that. Yes, it’s me. Not that guy you’ve been seeing on the street wearing an aluminum foil hat pretending to be me. Not the guy you saw in the alley selling “slightly used spleens”. Those guys are amateurs.
If you’re wondering where I’ve been for the past 7 months you’re about to learn. If you don’t care where I’ve been then you’re about to learn.
Aliens. They abducted me. and made me their king. also they shaved my face. But now I’m out of rehab and can get back to face rolling my keyboard.
It is true, however, that I was clean shaven for a good portion of that time. Life happens, interesting times, rote adages. Things are growing back and I’ll be wild and wooly again soon. In fact I’ll be placing an order of face goodies before the end of the week! If you have a good product or now one I should try let me know. Seriously, you would think I only grow this stuff so I have toys to play with…and you’d be right.
I make you no promises this time. Perhaps I will write tomorrow, perhaps the aliens will return. Just stay groovy and let’s see what comes our way.
During my absence I was in need of product to keep my long flowing facial locks healthy. Enter Father & Sons Beard Co., like a hirsute hero from the heavens, to save the next several weeks.
I stole this from their page
While I was away I had an opportunity to spend a significant amount of time using some Father & Sons products, specifically the River City Beard Balm, the Classic – Unscented Beard Balm and the Pine Tar Shampoo. Since I was certain I wouldn’t have the opportunity to trim as often as I’d wish these items were a great selection for keeping things tidy. Let’s look at the Beard Balm:
You read that right. After an ex[t|p]ensive time away, a time I am legally restrained from talking about, (we can talk more about it after the spy drones leave this quadrant), I have returned to be a subversive, snarky and all-together wonderful influence on your life. Like Mary Poppins with a moustache and a really bad caffeine addiction. Also sugary cereals.
I normally try to do a little shtick here in the beginning of a post but I wanted to cut right to the chase.
Mr King’s Marvellous Moustache Wax is, unequivocally, the best moustache wax that I’ve used. I have a couple of waxes in my moustache drawer that are permanent residents and Mr King’s is the one I grab the most.
I could easily end the post there and be satisfied that I got the message out but I’m guessing you’ll want to know why I like it so much. So I’ll go through my usual moustache wax review thing.
Make sure you look for the ‘Beard Shampoo’. Just washing your beard with Abraham won’t end well.
I will now open your hearts and mind with a poem.
leaky coffee lid
winter’s breath chills my cheeks
my beard needs a bath
If this poem has moved you then you understand one of the myriad of challenges faced by the blessed beard bearers. Oh, the sticky beard, what do? If I comb you, I pull out hairs but if I do nothing you are stinky. Alas, the clogged pores! What are we to do?
As Mark Twain never said, “Rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated.” What he really said was “The report of my death was an exaggeration.” Of course he’s dead now so it’s all moot. I, on the other hand, am not dead…I think. Do zombies think? Let’s just agree that I’m ambulatory.
You may be wondering what has kept me from being here to astound and confuse you. Go ahead, wonder. Hmmm..what could it be? When you figure it out let me know what it was. I’ll bet it’s pretty interesting.
You read that right. Dubs Stache Wax and West Elm South Coast Plaza are presenting a moustache & beard competition. I’ve told you before that Dubs ‘Stache Cream (Firm) is one of the styling products I recommend. Dubs, himself, is a competitive moustacheketeer (it’s my blog, I can make up words) and here’s a youtube of him cutting off enough of his moustache to make me cringe:
I get tons of questions in the piles and piles of mail I get and trust me, those piles of mail: totally giant. Imagine the amount of mail Santa Claus gets around the holidays and that’s one day for me…yup…pretending is fun. One of the most frequently asked question is, “Why do you bother doing this?” followed closely by, “No, really, why?” but somewhere on that list I imagine there’s someone asking what I recommend you use to clean your scruffy mug. So I’m going to tell you.
Greetings my furry followers! Long time no see. I’ve taken a long hiatus but thanks to the all the fan mail (none) and carefully crafted tales of how my blog has improved your lives (none) I’ve decided to make my triumphant return to entertain (torture) you.
Recently, on the twitters, @edypiro asked me what my top 3 moustache waxes are. Before I do this you need to know that my moustache has gotten pretty long and has always been hard to control. Most of the traditional waxes I’ve used don’t hold it very well any longer but that’s not to say they aren’t great for people with less schnauzer-esque faces.